Harry Potter's Undecided Heart
by Scrumpie McScrumperson
Summary: Fifth year. Harry Potter searches for his sexual identity and/or soul mate.


The Undecided Heart of Harry Potter

Or

Harry Potter's Secret Secret Diary.

July 31

Dear Diary,

I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore that Hedwig always brings back gifts on my birthday. He's brought one from Hermione. I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that it's a Quaffle signed by Viktor. I don't know. I guess I thought she'd get me something a little more personal after kissing me like that. Right on the cheek, and everybody knows what _that _means. She wants me. That's cool - I mean, she could stand to work on the hair, but I wouldn't push her off if she stuck her tongue in my mouth. That would be great! We might as well make out anyway. Everybody already thinks we do. And she looks good in a sweater. I feel like writing her back and telling her to come over so we can "study". 

Oh but here's my present from Ron. His letter's all about Hermione, and even though seeing her name makes me wish she was here, tracing my scar with her lips like I've always wanted her to do for the last ten minutes it makes me think.

He's a lot taller than I am. I'm pretty sure he knows a lot more spells.

I better not touch her.

But Hermione's the only girl I even know. She's the only girl I TALK to. If she's not for me, then no one is. No one. NO ONE. GOD. I'm going to be alone FOREVER. I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

***

September 1

Dear Diary,

Something just happened, and I'm not sure how to take it. I'm at the feast, sitting with Ron and Hermione. We just finishing up dessert, and - god, my palms are getting all sweaty just thinking about this and well, Draco walked by, and gave me this look I'll never forget it and he said he said

"Fuck you, Potter."

How am I supposed to interpret this????? I know, I know - he probably meant something like 'I hate your guts, Potter, and I wish you were dead' but see, that look he gave me

You know, Draco doesn't seem very happy. Is that why he's so mean to everyone? I wonder what his home life is like? I mean, he dresses really nicely, and he doesn't look like he's starved or anything, but there's just this air about him that makes me wonder if his father has ever locked him in the basement, invited his Death Eater buddies over, and they all had their way with him. 

And maybe, by giving me that look, and saying "Fuck you, Potter", he was sending out a cry for help.

To me.

He needs me.

He wants me.

Oh my god. I can just imagine what that blond hair must feel like, all silky soft, as he crushes my pliant mouth against his own. I want to feel all of him, divested of his clothing, pressed against my young nubile, hot naked body.

I, Harry Potter, am in love with Draco Malfoy.

Wait

Oh god. 

He just walked by. With Pansy. Holding hands.

GOD. THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!! SHE CAN'T LOVE HIM LIKE I DO

Oh, Draco - why?

I feel so alone

So utterly alone

I'm never going to meet anyone. Ever 

Ever.

***

September 19

Dear Buddy,

I think that name suits you. I guess it's probably pretty dumb to name a diary, but I don't really have anyone to talk to, and sometimes I really need a friend. Not that I don't have friends - but Ron and Hermione have been a little bit preoccupied these days. Today's Hermione's birthday, and the two of them have been sneaking off in between every class all day. It's night now, and I have no idea where they are.

I hate doing my homework without Ron. I never do it on my own, and the classes are really hard this year. I still haven't gotten over the shock that Mrs. Figg is a witch. She's an okay Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, although she's not nearly as good as Professor Lupin. He was really nice, even if he did turn out to be a werewolf. I mean, that's actually kind of cool if you think about it. I guess it's painful and all that, but he's so calm and helpful most of the time - I guess I like the fact that even he has a weakness of some kind. Also, it was nice to have a young teacher. I mean, Professor Lupin was _cool_. He even had kind of longish hair - nothing like Sirius's - ha ha! But it did fall into his eyes, and it was a little shaggy, kind of like mine, except lighter, and it looked like it was probably softer.

One time, when he was teaching me the Patronus spell third year, I noticed that he kind of smelled good too. It wasn't like perfume or anything - but it was sort of, well, _animal_, but not disgusting or anything. He's pretty graceful, too. Like, he's really tall and thin, and he moves really quietly. I wonder if he's like that because of the wolf, or if he would have been like that anyway? My parents got married really young - but he never mentioned a wife or anything. I guess there's still so much that I don't know about my parents and all their friends. I wonder what it would feel like if Professor Lupin hugged me or anything. I guess I wouldn't mind. I don't know. Is that weird? He probably has a girlfriend or something. I should ask Sirius. This is stupid. I'm going to bed.

October 13

Height 5'4"

Weight 128 lbs.

Choc. Frog units consumed 3.5

DAMN! Am getting so fat. Don't know if broom will hold me much longer. It's a Firebolt, but still. Will NEVER be able to catch the Snitch if I have to lug around all this flab. 

Reading new book: - Wizarding Weight Loss: Your Ticket to Looking As Fantastic As Me by Gilderoy Lockhart. 

Lockhart really looks fab on this cover. Wish I could look so svelte. Stupid Dementors. If it weren't for them, would never have put on this extra weight. Too much chocolate. 

Lockhart really looks good. Better than he did when he was at Hogwarts. Now's he's waving. That periwinkle blue really highlights his eyes. Wonder if he would remember me? Hmmm. Maybe I'll send him an owl.

Oh, should NEVER look in a mirror. Quidditch robes don't do a THING for me. No one will ever want to go out with me looking like this. 

Will lose 5 lbs. and then send Lockhart that owl.

Stupid mirror! No one will ever love fat Harry Potter!

21 November

I will never, ever forgive Ron. 

I waited in that bloody library for **hours**.

All I wanted was some help with my stupid Divination homework, but Ron had to go off with stupid Hermione. 

Again. 

Is it so wrong to want to spend time with my best friend? 

Snog like rabbits, those two. I would think that after a year it would get old. It's just Hermione, for god's sake. How long can she possibly be interesting? She **knows** lots of stuff, but she's sobossy. She can't be like that all the time, can she? Even when they're

Bloody hell, what do I care about that? 

I mean, I **care** about that. Not for them, for me. 

Is it so wrong to want things back the way they were before Ron and Hermione started sneaking around, doing whatever they do in empty classrooms?

Is it so wrong want to sneak into dark hallways with someone?

Is it so wrong to want

Great Merlin, no. No no no. Nononono. 

23 November

As Ron couldn't be bothered, I asked Lavender to help with my homework. I wonder whether I can possibly finish it all, even with help. Oh well, I'm off to the library.

23 November

I'm just back. Lavender was so helpful! She really understands Divination. With her help I got it all done. The lighting in the library glinted off of her light brown hair most beautifully. She's rather silly in some classes, but divination! She really grasps the depth of the tarot unlike Ron or even Hermione. They'd gone off somewhere of course, probably snogging in the empty Transfiguration classroom. Bloody tart, that Hermione, Ron too, come to that. 

Lavender seems to agree. She said, "Ron and Hermione sure seem to have forgotten you, haven't they?" She giggled then. It was really adorable. She's forgiven the way I treated Parvati at the Yule Ball. She told me so, when she told me she would be there if I ever needed to talk about anything Ron, Hermione. Anything like that.

I wonder if she'd like to visit the Astronomy tower with me some night. We could take the cloak and sneak up there. She's got beautiful eyes, Lavender has. And how she grieved over that rabbit of hers! She's got a soft heart, she has. And a soft breast upon which to lie my weary head.

Ye GODS! This is LAVENDER! I've got to get a hobby, or something. Bloody hell.

15 December

I was lying on my bed today, thinking about how alone and boring I am, and I looked up and sawoh, but I can't just write it, just like that, like it's some ordinary everyday thing. Because the way it happened, it felt likemagic. But a different kind of magic from what we study in class. No, this was something that didn't need studying, or books, or anything like that. This waswell. I was lying there in bed, and looked up, and sawlooking down at me. Right there, from the wall next to Dean's bed. It was _him_. Viktor Krum. All the time he's been right there, every day, and I never really _saw_ him before. But I suddenly had this feeling, like he'd been watching me all this time, just waiting for me to notice him there.

I stared into those deep, dark, Bulgarian eyes, and he looked back at me, a surly sort of sexy sneer on his face. Suddenly all I could think about was that Wronski Feint he did at the Quidditch World Cup last year, and I kept imagining being on the back of his broom as it raced towards the ground.

All at once I jumped out of bed and ran to my trunk. It took awhile, but I found what I was looking for: the arm. The arm that Ron had ripped off of his Viktor Krum figurine last year, after the Yule Ball. I always knew there was a reason I kept it. Butoh, I wish I had the rest of it. But Fred and George told me that Ron melted it last summer. Used a Disintegration Charm on it, right after he got Hermione's first letter from Bulgaria. 

So now all I have is the arm. Oh, but it's such a perfect arm. Perfect curves, ending in a perfect hand. I can think of so many things I wish that hand would domaybe if I just move a little closer to that poster

That was close. Neville and Dean came in just now. I had to think really fast, because Dean looked at me really funny when he saw me over by his bed. I told them I thought I saw Trevor hopping around over there, but I'm not sure Dean believed me. He kept watching me, even after I went back over and sat down on my bed. But they're gone now, and I am alone again with_him_. 

Oh! I just looked up, and he was giving me this dreamy, intense look. No wonder those girls are always following him around. He's SO handsome. Sigh. Is it wrong that I want to put hearts around his name every time I write it? 

© Viktor Krum© 

© © Viktor Krum© © 

© © © Harry Potter + Viktor Krum 4-EVER© © © 

© © © © 

Oh, how could Hermione have passed him up for a red-headed oaf like Ron? Didn't she see how handsome he is? And how talented? What was she thinking? Oh, man, why didn't I make the most of that walk in the woods with him last year? I mean, it was so obvious. "Can I have a vord?" He was trying to tell me, even then, how he felt. How could I have been so stupid? Oh, if he were only here right now. I would take him out to the Forest, and I wouldI would touch that monobrow. That's what I would do. I bet it's soft.

Oh, Viktor. You can catch my Snitch any time.

Did I just write that?

Oh, no. Now I've pushed him away. I just looked up, and he's left his picture. He's not even there, blinking at me. I've frightened him away. Viktor, come back! 

Oh, but it was silly of me to think that an international Quidditch star like him could love me. I mean, what am I? Just boring old Harry Potter. I mean, sure, there was that thing with Voldemort and all, but really, what is that? Not enough to tempt a catch like him.

I'll put the arm back under Ron's bed. Maybe he'll enjoy grinding it to a powder or something. Then at least someone will have some fun today.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH, matey. Why do I have to be so dull? That's why I'm alone, I know it is. 

20 December 

Dear Diary 

Today something very strange happened. I'm filled with this driving kind of savage feeling but I have to start at the beginning. 

Today at breakfast I was talking to Seamus, because Ron was too busy 'feeding Hermione her bacon,' but I'm not stupid, I know that's just an excuse to stick his tongue down her throat some more, because no one feeds someone else by mouth to mouth, no matter how 'queasy' they may have been feeling, and Ron's pretty stupid if he thinks that no one else is going to get what's really going on. He's so insensitive sometimes. Doesn't he ever stop to think about how that might make me feel? Doesn't it occur to him, or to Hermione for that matter, that watching their oral acrobatics makes me feel just lonely?

But I don't feel quite so lonely anymore, because while I was talking to Seamus, something strange and wonderful happened. Seamus was talking about Lavender or something, I wasn't really paying attention. And I just happened to look up, and I saw Draco Malfoy sitting at the table across the room. I didn't want to look at him, of course, limey bastard, and so I looked next to him - and there was Crabbe. Vincent Crabbe. You know, I've never really noticed him before. I mean, of course I've seen him, but I never really NOTICED him. He's so buff. And gruff. In this surprisingly sexy way. I mean, there's something just so visceral about the way he eats his pheasant. He just sinks his teeth into the meat, and rips it off the bone, and all the juice dribbles on his chin and I just well, I started thinking what it would be like to BE that pheasant. And maybe it's just my imagination, but it seemed like he had practice wiping that stuff off of his chin. You know, Ron and I used to joke all the time about what Crabbe and Goyle did with Malfoy in the Slytherin dormitorybut I never found the thought of it so exciting before. 

Maybe it's just because I' m lonely. Maybe I wouldn't be thinking these things if I could have snogged with Hermione, or gotten into Lavendar's nickers, or had the time to put that arm to good use. But the bottom line is that I am lonely, and now I can't stop thinking about Crabbe. He's got awfully big hands. I wonder what he could do with those hands. I wonder what it would be like topractice Quidditch with someone that buff. I bet who could hold a Quaffle easy in just one hand. Or even maybe wrestle. I bet he's really good at wrestling. I've never been any good at wrestling, because I'm so scrawny, but I don't think I'd mind losing so much. And I bet that if I took off my glasses, I wouldn't be able to see that huge wart on his left cheek, and then I could just FEEL the manliness of him. 

Oh, GOD! What am I THINKING? He'd never want me! He's probably Draco's devoted slave, or Goyle's special friend. And besides, he's in Slytherin. We could never cross the lines that separate us to form something beautiful and precious out of the prejudice that runs rampant in this blasted school! Oh, the injustice! Oh the agony! How cruel this world in which a young boy bereft of love and security cannot even attempt to cling to someone strong enough to pull him from the rushing torrent of unrequited hormonal needs and the ineffable agonies that result when one spends far too much time moping instead of masturbating! Why, just the other day I found a medical text in the library that described what happened to a guy who didn't masturbate enough, and it had pictures and everything, and let me tell you that was pretty fucking horrifying. I never want to be that guy. 

Maybe I don't need Crabbe. Maybe I just need to jack off more. Maybe that would stop me feeling so lonely. There are enough books about me already. 

God, no one knows the loneliness of being Harry Potter. The misery. The angst. The terrible, awesome responsibility. 

Maybe if I steal some nutcakes from the kitchen I'll be able to make a trail of sweet nuts that would lead Crabbe to the broom closet on the fourth floor. 

Oh, sweet Merlin. I need help. 

25 December

Dear Diary,

This morning Dobby came into my dorm to wake me up, and it was different than usual. I mean, this wasn't the first time that I swam up out of my dreams listening to the calling of his voice, "Oh! Harry Potter, sir! Wake up!" But today, his voice sounded so sweet and lilting that I nearly melted. And when I opened my eyes and saw his bulging sour-apple green eyes, so wide and trusting, staring into my own, I felt myself nearly lose control. Suddenly, I knew. Dobby was the one for me. Ever since we had first met, he had always been there for me - protecting me, supporting me, making me laugh. He would be the one to always believe in me, no matter what. Finally, I might have what Ron and Hermione have been looking for in all those broom closets.

"Dobby!" I gasped, sitting up. "Happy Christmas!" I suddenly realized that Dobby and I had never even hugged, and that I really just needed to hug him. I reached out to touch him, but then he took a step back and I saw Winky standing behind him. 

"Happy Christmas, sir!" He squealed. "Winky and I has brought you some Christmas presents!"

Damn him. I forgot about Winky.

I know just what Dobby would say if I asked him to love me"Oh, sir, I don't know about that! But Harry Potter knows what is bestso we can do whatever you want, sir."

But he wouldn't really want to be minehe's too in love with Winky. 

Dobby will never love me! He's such a tease. Oh sure, he says things like "Harry Potter is the greatest wizard of all time, sir!" But at the end of the day, he's going home to a tiny alcoholic with no fashion sense. On Voldemort's knickers, what does a hero have to do to get some love around Hogwarts? It's not as if I haven't saved the life of every person in this whole school. I know it's no usenothing that I do will ever be good enough for someone to just love me for me.

25 January

Stupid Hermione. Stupid, fussy Hermione. Why can't she just shut up and mind her own business? I mean, sure, it's the coldest day of the year, and _maybe _I was sweating during Potions even though our cauldrons weren't even on but come on, can't she just leave it alone? Noooo, she has to be all, "Oh, Harry, you don't look well, why don't you go up to Madam Pomfrey, I really don't think you should be holding a knife, you're all sweaty and clammy, and blah blah blah blah blah blah." Even Ron looked at me funny. 

It's not my fault, really. If Snape hadn't come over and fiddled through the roots I was chopping, maybe I wouldn't have noticed his long, sinewy fingers. They do look really strong, like rough and hardened and all tight, and I guess it's because he's always chopping and sorting and stirring and doing all those hand things. I think if he ever got them around my throat the way he wants to he really might kill me. Well, anyway, I noticed his fingers and then he told me my roots were so bad they would reduce my potion to spittle, or something gross like that - I wasn't really listening because I looked up at him and honestly, he has the blackest, deepest eyes. I just kinda stared and Ron kicked me, but it was too late.

"Having a nice dream, Potter?" And he leaned in really close and I never really noticed before, but he smells good, like herbs and stuff. And his hair isn't really greasy, it's justsleek. And his nose really does fit his face, even if it is a bit big and almost hit my cheek when he bent down. But he came really close and told me to pay attention or I'd have detention, and all of a sudden I thought, well, maybe I shouldn't pay attention then. Maybe I'll just get detention and have to go back to the dungeons for a few hours, and maybe he would be there. 

Snape walked away and his robes swirl around him so nicely. He must have had them made for swirling like that. And that's when I got all sweaty, because oh my god, I like Snape. Ron and Hermione would disown me if they knew. Well, maybe Hermione would get over it after a while but Ron would go mental and refuse to talk to me ever again. And that's okay, because I would deserve it, I mean, this is Snape, and he's a big ugly slimy greasy git andand he's really such a misunderstood man, he's probably one of the best teachers we have here, he's so clever and cunning, and he really does come up with the best insults, it's like someone's written them down for him, because they're always so hurtful. He has great timing.

Anyway, that's when Hermione had to get all fussy. I tried to tell her I was fine but noo, she wouldn't leave it alone and that's when _Draco_ looked up and oh my god, I think he knows. He just looks like he knows. He's in close with Snape, I bet Snape wouldn't mind if _he_ showed up in the dungeons after class. 

Oh God. I thinkI think I need some help, or I need Ron to throw up to show me just how disgusting this is, or something. Or maybe Hermione has a really good spell that repels big bat-like people. She would, she has a spell for everything. And she's really clever and cunning, kinda like Snape. And she has really great insults too. And her hair was sleek once. Oh man. Now I'm confused. 

Who knows? Time has ceased to have any meaning in my empty lonely life.

So yesterday, I was wandering the corridors aimlessly in the middle of the night with the Invisibility Cloak, looking for trouble. Hey, any attention is better than none, right? 

I was sobbing, silently yet stoically. My glasses fogged up, and I couldn't see where I was going. I stepped on Mrs. Norris' tail. 

I don't feel b ad about that. But the stupid pussy howled, and Filch came running. 

You know, in certain lights, he's rather attractive.

26 January

I'm through with this diary. I'm giving it all up. I'm not getting any, and it's just too darn confusing.

Hermione kept nagging me, so I went up to see Madam Pomfrey. Well, not so much because of Hermione's nagging - more to get away from her and Ron snogging on the couch in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. It's sick really no one wants to see that. Although I did find myself getting rather arou - 

Oh, damn. I'm very confused.

After wandering around the halls for a while, I decided to go back to the common room to brood. Ron and Hermione were now rolling on the hearthrug. I managed to tear my eyes away, and headed up for the dorm. 

I paused outside the door, stopping to listen. Very odd noises were coming from within. I whipped out my wand and threw the door open.

There were Seamus and Dean, wrapped up in a tangle of Gryffindor red sheets. In a rather interesting position. Oh dear.

*****

I wonder if Neville'd like to join us next time.


End file.
